That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wish there were birth control emojis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
