Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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