I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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