My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
