My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
