come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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