Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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