I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have already put on my inside pants.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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