the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
