Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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