Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We got so high we made milksteak
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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