Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
