I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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