I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
