a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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