Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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