Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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