Is it normal to miss your booty call?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
