JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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