he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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