I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
