i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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