nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
