my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
