i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
