I'm laying in your front yard are you home
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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