im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
