thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
