your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
