i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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