As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
