Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
