We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
