I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
