Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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