I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
