I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
