someone get that fucking seahorse.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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