New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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