did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You left your phone here
Wait...
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