I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
