Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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