We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
