when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
love makes seman taste better
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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