you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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