um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
