I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
