i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
