Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
