Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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