Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
