my mouth tastes like poor choices
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
