The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
