You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
