Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
