just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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