Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
